I experienced some awkward conversation at the park today.
A grandmother was playing with her four-year-old grand-daughter, on the play structure, when we arrived at our local park. I let Ariel run around a bit, go up and down the slide a few times, before I took Elyse out of her carrier.
The grandmother called Ariel a "he", which was fine. She quickly self-corrected, and it is hard to tell with her short hair - fair enough. Little boys often have girly features, and little girls dress a lot like little boys now-a-days, so I don't really care about that, this is all beside the point.
What did feel unwelcome were two conversations that followed. Ariel and I had decided it was time for the swing set, and so I headed over to the stroller to take Elyse out of her baby carrier so the girls could swing side-by-side.
As I am pushing both girls, the grandmother comes over with her grand-daughter and asks, "How old is she - about 6 months?" I smiled politely, and said, "No, actually, she is 11 months old." And, to help clear-up her confusion and hopefully end the topic of conversation, I added, "She is a bit small."
Just then, her daughter, the mother of the four-year-old girl, came over carrying her 6-month old baby. She piped up, and joined into the conversation. "No, you can tell she's older. She is bigger, she just has short little legs."
Immediately, my mind went to: short legs and short arms. Two characteristics of Down syndrome. I wondered if the woman knew Elyse had Down syndrome. It wasn't that I cared if she knew, I just didn't feel like talking about it today, and explaining her life's history to this set of strangers.
There is something to be said for being able to choose your moments to discuss important topics like Down syndrome awareness, and being an advocate for your child. It is something completely different when the topic of conversation is thrust upon you in the middle of a nice afternoon out with your children, with a complete stranger who you don't really feel like discussion your thoughts and feelings with about the issue.
To be clear, the topic of Down syndrome never actually came up; but the realization that it will -repeatedly - come up, especially when I am not in the mood to talk about it with a complete stranger, hit me hard today.
While these two women were acting harmlessly, it is a source of frustration for me, and I am sure many mothers, to constantly have my child compared unwillingly against everybody else's. I know this is not my typical reaction, but can't people ever just mind their own business and keep their comments about other people's babies to themselves? Resist the urge to say, "My, she does look small?" questioningly at the mother. I do love the notion of a baby belonging to 'the community', but that doesn't give every stranger that might the right to ask personal questions. I know this rant is completely unfair, because I say things to people with babies all the time; but I always keep my adorations positive and light-hearted, especially when it is someone I do not know.
...
Dan and I were leaving Walmart the other day, and were both feeling pretty frustrated. It had taken us way longer to get out the door in the first place, and now it was past lunch time. Both kids were tired and hungry, and beginning to cry and complain. Dan was trying to manoeuvre our large double stroller in the back of his car alongside the huge storage bins we had just purchased; and I was trying to reassure the crying babies. Meanwhile, a woman walked up to us and said, "Don't worry, it gets easier! I remember when mine was that age..." The woman had good intentions, but I wanted to punch her in the throat. THANK YOU for pointing out that we are clearly NOT making parenting look EASY, and THANK YOU once again so much for taking up more of our time and for the unsolicited advice. Rant number two - this feels good!
Now back to the park, and more awkward conversation:
So, then another mother arrived with her son, who looked to be somewhat older, and she began chatting with the other family. The boy had a broken arm. The boy was not propelling himself forward on the swing, rather he was letting his mom push him, and I cannot remember the wording of the whole exact conversation, but my ears prickled as I heard her speak the words, "Well, he IS handicapped." Both women laughed, but my heart jumped. Did she just say something offensive? Technically, she was right, her son did have a physical handicap - a broken arm, though the term 'handicap' is out-of-date, and has become somewhat offensive; I judged her to be of a generation when the term was not used as such. I said nothing, and stood there, trying to think if she had actually used the term in an offensive manner or not. I was also acutely aware that Elyse, Ariel and the other children present were also privy to this conversation, and the impact such a comment may have on them in the years to come.
Thinking about it now, I think what I find somewhat unsettling about her use of the term "handicapped" is that her son may be incapacitated right now, but he won't be for long. His handicap is short-term, and so she very casually, smugly used the term knowing he would not be handicapped forever. I sincerely doubt she would have called him "handicapped" in a different context, such as if he'd had a cognitive delay, would she have so readily said he was having difficulty on the swing because he was "handicapped"? I dare say, probably not.
Now, to back things up a bit, we were not wronged purposefully in the park today; or in the Walmart parking lot either. Nobody set out to hurt anybody else's feelings, or to offend or annoy anybody. However, there are sensitivities out there. Not one of us is immune to being hurt or caught off guard by something someone else chooses to say. Every individual has a role to play in the type of language they decide to use, and the impact their words will have on others.
Before you call your child with the broken arm "handicapped", maybe you should consider that the child in the swing over may have a cognitive delay that will be a 'handicap' to them their entire life.
Before you label someone else's child as being "small", maybe you should consider the reasons, and that they could be small because of medical concerns to which the family is sensitive.
Also, maybe we could all spend a little less time comparing our children to everybody else's, and a little more time examining what we have right in front of us.
I know I should take every opportunity that presents itself to teach the world about Down syndrome, and politically correct language and medical conditions, etc.,etc... and I will. Just not today.
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