After school pick up today was a complete disaster.
Elyse wore a hoodie to school this morning (with her winter coat over top), so then Ariel had to changer her outfit to wear her hoodie too, but REFUSED to wear her winter coat over top. I had already decided to drive them anyway. "Fine," I told her (then came the distraction, breaking the pattern of back and forth yes/no/yes/no), "you don't have to wear your coat in the car, you can just put it on when you get to school." I said it so casually, she didn't even notice she'd be fooled. I said it as though it were a done deal - and it worked.
No problems at drop-off; kissed the girls on their foreheads, and sent them on their merry way.
Fast forward through the day. Penelope had her four month appointment, and from the poster in the waiting room, checking off all my symptoms from the past several days, I discovered I have in fact been hit with the flu. Jackpot. For those who may be interested in the details of Penelope's check up, she's almost 16 and a half pounds (85 - 96 percentile), average height (23 inches and some change), and a happy, healthy clam. Back to the flu, and how empty it has left my body. I had a few days of loss of appetite, which left me feeling weak today, though I am starting to feel better. I weighed the pros and cons of walking the girls home after school vs. driving them. Driving takes almost as long, BUT I don't have to struggle with Elyse if she's tired. Since bending over induces a massive headache, I opted to drive.
I met both girls at the kindergarten pen eventually, but they didn't come out together as usual. Elyse came out first, and fussed at me, and started to take off her hat, but her EA prompted her not to. Next thing I know, Ariel comes running through the gate, and bursts into tears. I'm at a loss. The teacher at the gate lets me know she was made to put on her coat. Ah. I see. Before I can help rationalize her feelings, Ariel tears her coat off in a dramatic scene. At this point, Penelope is crying. Elyse is sitting on the ground, whining, and has been working on taking off her hat, gloves and glasses, which she has thrown in every direction around her. Other parents start helping me gather her things. I try to convince Ariel she needs her coat, but she's digging her heals in; she's dug them in deep, and I fear Elyse will soon be completely undressed, not to mention poor Penelope who was jabbed with two needles today, one after the other, by a stranger. Her little face went tomato red before any sound came out at all, then the tears, and her sad, hurt cry. The car is within sight. I hear parents grumbling, "..it's only going to get colder...", and I hear what they're saying, but in that moment, with my crying baby in the bulky stroller, kids backpack slung over my shoulder, one kid crying about the injustices of the world, and the other planted on the ground like that's where she's meant to stay for the rest of her life, I chose to avoid the fight. I let it go. I submitted to it in the moment.
I told Ariel to carry her coat. I scooped Elyse up in one arm, and pushed the stroller in the other arm with all the kids belongings. Penelope stopped crying. Elyse was yelling in my ear, so I put her down. We made it to the car. I got everyone strapped in, and then began my ultimate moment of zen parenting. Or maybe it's honest parenting?
I turned to Elyse first.
"Elyse, you have to stop yelling at me. Please use your words. I don't know what you want if you don't tell me. If you don't stop yelling at me, you won't be able to go on your ipad when you get home." She stopped yelling at me.
"Ariel, we will talk about the coat when you get home, and then you are going to have a time out with no ipad." She took this in, and tried to broach the subject. I calmly replied, "We'll talk about it when we get home."
When we got home, Ariel went right up to her room. I brought Penelope with me to talk to her, because I think babies have good karma. I explained the adults in her school were trying to keep her safe and healthy, because coats protect our bodies from the cold weather. I asked her to replay her day, and what happened with her winter coat.
"Well, the first teacher said it was okay, that I didn't have to wear it. Then we came inside, and I did a really good job listening on the carpet at carpet time (I love how she highlighted her strengths), but then I had to wear my coat the next time we went out, and I didn't like it because it was hurting my thumb." She insisted on having her thumbs through the thumb holes in her sweater. This seemed to be causing a problem.
"And what happened at the end of the day?" I asked her.
"Well...I didn't want to wear my coat."
Ariel has been really into superheros lately, so I tried to speak to her in terms she'd understand.
"When you came outside, and those nice teachers who were trying to help you, and keep you safe by telling you to wear your coat, then saw you with me, with your coat off, that made me the BAD GUY." Ariel's eyes grew large.
I explained that when she wasn't listening to me, and she wasn't wearing her coat, it makes it look like I don't care about keeping her safe, and that she doesn't respect me, and I don't respect the other adults. That I am a BAD MOM for not keeping her safe and taken care of. This all seemed to register with her. I also admitted that adults were not always right, but in the case of the winter coat - they were.
Ariel clearly didn't want her mother to be the bad guy, so we quickly came to any agreement. No more sweatshirts under coats for the winter. They're too big and bulky under winter coats. And, winter coats stay on. She still had five minutes of time out - five minutes because she's five. Seemed to make sense. We were at peace with one another, and she hugged me goodbye before the start of her timeout.
At school pick up, my children each exhibited some of their worst behaviours. Yet, with my throat still sore, and my head throbbing, I chose not to be angry at them. We often forget how much more energy it can take to be angry - versus calm. I still maintain parents are human beings, and that it's normal to express the whole range of emotions - no guilting here. I know misbehaviors are often a cry for something else, but sometimes you can be spread so thin, you don't want to hear any cry at all.
I'm just grateful for today, that I could create that zen moment.
zen baby
Elyse reading to Penelope
Elyse worked hard to show Penelope the pages as she read (the words were mostly made up, but she threw in a few nouns from the page, now and again - Penelope didn't mind one bit)
reading a book of her own
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