Our Baby Shall Decide

Today was a difficult day.
Our first appointment was scheduled at the hospital for 9:15am, and we arrived back home around 2pm by the time all was said and done.  There is never any way to predict how long the appointments are going to take (last time we were home by 10:30am...), and what news is going to come our way.
The sequence of events was as follows: ultrasound, meeting with Neonatologist, meeting with high-risk obstetrician.  Tomorrow we return to the hospital to meet with our baby's surgeon.
The ultrasound was probably the fastest one I have had thus far, but it took a while for them to take us in.  Nothing to report there, other than the technician told me she thought my amniotic fluid levels seemed normal, and she was right - the fluid level is still normal.
Then, we met with a Neonatologist - one of eight who may be there while our baby goes through McMaster's newborn intensive care unit.  A Neonatologist is a pediatrician who specializes in taking care of babies immediately after birth.  We were very fortunate to meet with this compassionate, gentle giant, who was able to answer many questions we had about our baby's surgery and what life will be like afterwards.  His final words of overarching advice still resonate with me:  he said to take care of ourselves, and our 17-month old daughter - make sure she is well looked after;  and that people often get caught up in all the monitors and beepers going off in the NICU, but to try not to focus on the machines around us and what they all mean.  Just to be there for our baby, and let them take care of the rest.  Sage advice.  Apparently we do not get to meet 'our' specific neonatal team as that would be near impossible to determine ahead of time.  He said that Mac has eight Neonatologists and many, many nurses, and it will just depend when I go into labour who will be working at the time.
Next, we waited eagerly to meet with our high-risk doctor - the second doctor of four we may possibly encounter.  So, as we waited to meet her for the first time, I did not allow myself to think that anything could be wrong.  I was going strong off the positive vibes of our last visit.  The reality is a bit harsher.  Today, we learned our baby is having problems with blood flow through her umbilical cord.  Due to difficulties with the placenta, she is not receiving as much blood, and therefore nutrients, as she should.  There are two umbilical veins leading from the placenta that carry blood to the fetus.  Normally, in between heart beats the flow of blood continues moving in one direction.  When the heart beats - blood moves faster, and in between heart beats - blood still flows.  What we learned today is that in our baby's case, her blood flow is being restricted in both veins between heart beats.  This condition will lead to stress on the fetus, and the baby shows it is stressed by redirecting blood to the brain (the area of highest need).  Our baby did not show any increased blood flow to the brain at this point, which is a good sign, but if both umbilical veins continue to show a restriction in my newly scheduled ultrasound next week, then induction and preterm labour become the main topics of conversation.  Basically, unless the condition improves, which it can, then I will likely need to be induced in the best interest of the fetus.  The doctors have to balance the baby's distress inside of me against the risks associated with a premature birth outside (e.g, respiratory).  There is nothing I can do to help or hurt the situation.  The ball is in baby's court.  The doctor said she has seen instances where they just keep monitoring on a weekly basis, and they are able to wait until baby is at term before they need to induce, but it is also possible that next week I could walk in and be delivering a baby soon after - soon, as in, that week!
Some scariness the doctor threw in there was the word "stillbirth".  Dan and I probed to know what was the downside of increased blood flow to the brain, and 'stillbirth' was the answer.  I do not want to let my mind dwell there.
Overall, we still have to wait and see what the situation is next week.  Decreased blood flow is a serious concern that puts stress on the baby, so we just have to wait and see if the condition spontaneously improves, and if not, the issue will become when they will need to induce me.
I have kind of been in a fog all day.  My brain is working on overload trying to process all of this important information.  It is very hard to explain how mentally (and somewhat physically) exhausting spending a day at the hospital, talking to doctors about your baby and family's future can be, other then just to say every time the experience is very tiring.
We also now know that we are looking at a hospital stay of 3 to 6 weeks or more for baby, and that I will likely not be able to breastfeed for at least a week after her surgery, to allow time for her to heal.  Dan and I will have access to our baby 24/7, but will likely not be able to hold her for the first couple days, which I find really hard.  Also, once I am discharged (presumably after a couple days), there is no where for us to stay at the hospital, but luckily we live close by.
I have started reading a new book called, "The Year My Son and I Were Born", by Kathryn Lynard Soper, and I am just at the part where she discovers her baby is born with Down syndrome.  Her baby also happens to be born prematurely (at 30 weeks) and reading through her description is helping me picture what life will be like for our baby after surgery, and what she is going to look like with all the tubes coming out of her, and how I am going to deal with that.  There is no question it is going to be hard.
Picking Ariel up from daycare was by far the brightest part of my day.  Holding her tight in my arms helped me bring my head out of the clouds and reminded me of what I have to look forward to with our new baby, one day (soon?!?)