What Lies Beneath

When placed in a difficult life situation, there comes a time when your worst feelings begin to boil over from deep inside, and make their way to the surface.  These thoughts and feelings seep through the very cracks of your pores, exposing your most vulnerable self to the world, right when you most want to hide.  One minute you may be calm, thinking you have everything completely under control; the next you are dangerously close to the edge, pushing back against the urge to think about your worst fears and emotions.  Everyone has a breaking point.
Many friends and family have been asking how I am doing; and I mean it when I say I am doing "okay", but it is in those tiny little upset moments - when I let my guard down - that emotions I do not want to deal with rise to the surface, and risk ruining it all.  Moments that would usually never get to me.  As I am now 35 weeks pregnant and a day, I am aware there are all sorts of hormones raging through my body that may or may not be making me extra 'emotional' these days, but that is not it, there is definitely more at play here.  The feelings come from something much larger, outside of myself, from a place I cannot control.  The closer we have gotten to tomorrow's doctor's appointment, the more I have found this to be true.  The more real our situation becomes.
In times of stress, this nagging sensation from below has a way of waiting until the most inopportune moments to express itself, and that is when you can see most clearly what you are really made of, and how easily it is to let that all come unravelled.
Luckily for me, and for us, there is a tight spider web of support that surrounds our family in its protective web, so I am confident I will not fall; no one will come undone.  If it comes to 'love versus hate', love is still the more powerful of the two emotions in my books, and love hangs in the air everywhere I look.
Tomorrow we find out how our baby is doing.  We have three appointments at the hospital that will likely last most of the day.  Pray for us, if you pray.  Think happy thoughts for us, if that works for you, and definitely send a hug my way the next time you see me, because I need it.